As a pastoral therapist in the Nashville area, I can affirm what the U.S. surgeon general declared in 2023—we are indeed experiencing an epidemic of loneliness.
Many of us are lonely these days, and the issue affects men and women equally, according to Pew research. There are many reasons for this experience, but one of the biggest is a lack of attention to our emotions, along with a lack of vulnerability and depth in our relationships. So, while we may be surrounded by people all day, we still may not experience the deep connection that helps us feel seen, heard, understood and loved.
The story of Adam and Eve in the Bible reflects our own experiences. They were created naked, signifying complete openness without fear or shame. After eating the forbidden fruit and gaining knowledge of good and evil, they attempted to hide from each other and God.
Similarly, through our upbringing and societal influences, we learn what is acceptable and can, consciously or unconsciously, hide aspects of ourselves to avoid rejection. This behavior is amplified by social media, where people often present only the best parts of their lives or an idealized version of it.
The problem with this is that deep down, we never feel fully known by anyone else. If we are liked, we believe it is our projected image that is liked, and this only reinforces the need to maintain a public image. To avoid our vulnerability of being known, we can develop emotional defenses to attempt to hide from one another as Adam and Eve did. The less healthy of these are more unconscious and automatic.
With such defenses, we seek to keep ourselves from being known. And because no one truly knows us, we feel overwhelming loneliness. Unfortunately, this is also true in our churches, where a fear exists that any struggles will be seen as a lack of faith or failure for which we might be judged or ostracized.
This was the case for a woman who recently came to me for counseling. From the outside, she lived a storybook life. She was affluent and involved in a variety of community and social activities. She spent time with people from her church in Bible studies and with parents from her children’s school, planning and implementing programs and activities. She was very busy—surrounded by people—but one of her biggest complaints was that she was lonely. She feared if people knew she was not as “perfect” as she projected, she’d be rejected.
I saw another man for therapy years ago who also was grappling with loneliness. I asked who in his life truly knew him. He was a little tearful as he admitted that there was no one in his life for whom he did not have to fulfill some responsibility. In other words, he was the boss, the provider and the philanthropist, but no one knew him beyond these roles.
Overcoming Loneliness with the Right Tools
To address loneliness, we need to cultivate relationships that are built on emotional awareness and emotional health; healthy and effective communication; and vulnerability and humility. These things are often either discounted in our culture or not readily taught. As a result, we often grow up without learning how to have authentic and deep relationships.
Many people who seek counseling are exhausted from working hard on their relationships, yet they feel like a failure because their connections are not as they would want them. In most cases, they simply lack the proper tools.
For example, a couple came to me for therapy a while ago. The husband feared being controlled and had a fierce independent streak. He was not aware of his own feelings and did not communicate well. He would overreact when his wife asked for help with anything. His wife feared being abandoned and wanted the husband to be a partner in household responsibilities. She tried to force or manipulate his cooperation.
The two of them lacked healthy self-awareness and good communication skills. They worked hard at communicating with the tools they had and tried hard to control their feelings, but without a full complement of awareness and skills, their hard work did not yield the desired results.
Healthy communication involves a focus on feelings. Too often we discount or minimize feelings. Men in particular have been taught that feelings are a sign of weakness or failure. If we do not attend to our emotions, we still have them, but they can come out in ways that can be ineffective or hurtful to others.
Healthy communication also involves good listening—the kind of listening that seeks to understand, from a place of humble curiosity, rather than attempting to correct or fix. Better conversations often occur when we talk about the feelings behind a statement or behavior rather than focusing on what is said or done.
Finally, healthy communication involves a willingness to be introspective, receive care from others and take steps toward being more vulnerable. I experienced this in my own story.
As a young person, I learned through direct and implicit messages that my feelings and needs were not as important as those of others in my family. As a result, I subverted my own feelings in order to be what others expected of me. I became a well-liked high achiever.
Through a relationship with a caring friend, and later in marriage counseling with my wife, I realized that I had always lived as if love was conditional on my behavior and achievement. It was overwhelming to accept unconditional love from someone else.
I learned to be more accepting of myself, but letting go of perfectionism was a challenge. I saw people at church and at work that seemed to have characteristics I admired and began to invite them out for lunch. I shared my own journey and attempted to learn from them. I found that most people were more open to and accepting of the authentic version of me than I would have ever expected.
I even became friends with someone who I would have never thought could be a close friend. Yet we developed a great relationship in which I could practice new skills of openness, self-disclosure and emotional expression.
Practicing skills of listening and caring can deepen connection. These tools are not complicated to learn, but they require a lifetime to perfect. And it’s a worthwhile pursuit. Deeper connections help you feel more comfortable with yourself and others and build your confidence. They also allow you to more fully experience the divine love God has for you.
Chris O’Rear is a 2004 graduate of Trevecca’s marriage and family therapy program and the author of “Therapeutic Friendship: Cultivating Relationships that Heal.” He is a licensed clinical pastoral therapist in Tennessee and the owner of The Counseling Center, PLLC in Nashville. He also holds a Master of Divinity in pastoral care and counseling and is an ordained minister.
